1. Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.
2. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
3. The average American may not know who his grandfather was. But the American was, however, one
degree better off than the average Frenchman who, as a rule, was in considerable doubt as to who his father was.
4. Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn’t any. But this wrongs the jackass.
5. There has been only one Christian. They caught him and crucified him–early.
6. There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man’s notion that he less savage than the other savages.
7. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
8. The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not
already a consummate ass.
9. The report of my illness grew out of his (James Clemens) illness. The report of my death was an exaggeration.
10. Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
11. Of the demonstrably wise there are but two: those who commit suicide, and those who keep their
reasoning faculties atrophied with drink.
12. Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
13. Ah, well, I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God’s fool, and all His work must be contemplated with respect.
14. I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.
15. I would rather have my ignorance than another man’s knowledge, because I have so much more of it.
16. In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made school boards.
17. Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
18. Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
19. To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
20. It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either.
21. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it
begins to rain.
22. A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
23. Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
24. Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
25. Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
26. An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before.
27. Anyone who stops learning is old, whether twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing you can do is keep your mind young.
28. Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.
29. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
30. By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's I mean.
31. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
32. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.
33. Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
34. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
35. Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
36. Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.
37. Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.
38. Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
39. George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
40. Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.